


Basic Physics

by Zetaori



Category: Primeval
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-13
Updated: 2011-07-13
Packaged: 2017-10-21 08:49:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zetaori/pseuds/Zetaori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor is looking for an explanation, and physics is as good as any.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Basic Physics

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to read/comment on LJ, you can find the story [here](http://zetaori.livejournal.com/13964.html).

Connor explains it with gravitons. They are, as he would clarify if anybody just _listened_ for once, gauge bosons that carry gravitational force. They haven't been proven, but Connor is pretty sure they exist since they directly result from string theory (which isn't really a theory any more to him because it predicts ten dimensions and, seriously, there is no way anomalies can exist in only four dimensions, and if someone gave him a paper, a pen and permission to make any of it public, with what he's learned over the years he could revolutionise modern physics in half a day).

Also, he can feel them. When he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and concentrates, he can sense them tugging at the tips of his hair, pulling the air out of his lungs and tingling on his fingers. Of course he knows it's bollocks. You can't actually feel quantum mechanics. But it's the only sensible explanation he can come up with for what Becker does to him.

It starts simple enough, in four dimensions and Newton's law. Becker introduces himself and Connor doesn't look up because he's busy updating the database with their latest creatures. And that's, simply enough, how they meet. What follows is complex, with part of it real, a larger part imaginary, and the space between blurring. And Connor thinks that this is just not how things should work.

\---

Usually, Connor loves his life. He knows he's lucky. It just doesn't feel like it when he shuts down his computer, rubs his eyes, glances at the clock (it's 5 am, where did the time go?) and is ready to grab his stuff to go home and get a few hours of sleep before the inevitable next alarm goes off. It's not only ridiculous, but even illogical that, no matter how late (or early) he leaves, he _always_ passes Becker on his way out, who's running his first few morning rounds around the building, and Connor wants to say hi, or good morning, you're in early, or holy fuck your shirt is all sweaty and clinging to your body and how come you're even real? But he guesses it's a good thing he manages to shut up for once.

When Connor comes back a few hours later, Becker is in the middle of his second or third run. This time, he's in full gear and followed by his men, and Connor can't help staring after them long after the sound of rattling arms and Becker's shouted commands have faded. Then, he returns to his computers, hoping for another anomaly against all better judgement, and he thinks, how is this my life?

He wants it to stop. He really wants this damn subatomic physics to find themselves someone else to screw up. He hasn't done anything to deserve this. (Well, maybe he has, but how would physics know about that?) He wants his old life back. The one where he didn't feel pushed forward and tossed around and pulled back by some undefined force. The one where he at least _sometimes_ had the impression he knew what was going on. Creatures from the past, he can handle. Anomalies in space and time, sure thing. He's even getting used to the general running and jumping and adventuring. But this curling, burning, tickling feeling in his stomach that makes him feel like he's about to throw up as soon as Becker enters a room, he could really do without.

And he was getting on so well. He's managed to get the coolest job ever. He's seen amazing things. He's pretty sure he's not the biggest loser on earth any more. And still, whenever he sees Becker, all he wants to be is someone Becker would like. Someone who can follow orders and knows how to handle a gun. And there he was thinking he'd be cleverer than that.

\---

If someone asked Connor who Becker is, he'd say something like "the military guy who keeps us alive and likes to shoot things", but he'd think about how Becker never smiles, never fails and never stumbles. How his hands never shake when he pulls the trigger. How he's the most beautiful and at the same time scariest thing he's ever seen. And how he trusts him with his life, more than he'd trust himself. Becker, he thinks, is someone who lives forever while everything around him wilts and dies. Becker is someone you could lose yourself in and never return.

But no one asks him, and life goes on. Time is pretty linear from his point of view, but Connor thinks he's missing a few minutes now and then. Sometimes it feels like the gravity is failing and all air is getting sucked out into the universe and he has to grab anything to hold on to. He feels like he hasn't slept for weeks.

This is his life now. He can't call in sick every time he feels unable to face perfection yet another day. Anyway, he can't run from the only one keeping him safe. And he still loves his job so much that most of the time he thinks it's worth the effort.

\---

There are good days. It's whenever they are busy with what has become their routine over the years, saving the world and seeing wonders of nature and risking their lives. It's overwhelming and great and Connor can't stop grinning. At the end of the day, he falls into bed and closes his eyes and sleeps. When he dreams, he sees infinite worlds, brimming with life and evolution, and when he wakes up, there's this warm, good feeling that today is another day to go out and see it.

And then, there are bad days. They are boring and slow, and Connor feels like he's stranded in a desk job after all. He's getting headaches, eats a lot of fast food and feels queasy afterwards, surfs around the internet until Lester glares at him, and tries to ignore Becker, who's always there. Becker runs around in the building with his men, disassembling and reassembling weapons, checking out the security, and finally, when there's nothing left to do, he's a solid presence in the room where Connor is trying to work, and Connor thinks he'll go crazy.

There are days when the alarm goes off, and everyone realises that this time, it won't be a trip to see and learn. This will be a big one. Connor knows what the creature is the second he sees it, but it's not helping anyone. They all stand there and stare. Connor knows the reason for it, and if he could get his mouth to work again, he'd explain it's their human minds that are not able to handle something that old, their instincts failing because they've never had the chance to be trained for something like that.

And then there's Becker, raising his gun, his legs apart, every muscle tense, and he shoots and the creature falls. Connor explains it with simple biology, but he thinks that this was damn sexy.

He knows it's the relief of not being eaten alive, of escaping a deadly, unfathomable threat which causes wave after wave of biochemical messengers to flood his system, but he's not sure everyone would understand. So on the ride back, he crosses his legs, takes deep breaths and tries not to wriggle around in his seat. Back in the ARC, he stumbles into the bathroom, locks the door and falls against the wall, his hand pressed into his crotch. His eyes flutter shut as he opens his trousers, shoves down his underwear, and then it's really just a long sequence of simple amino acids binding to receptors, causing a cascade of signals that speed up his heart rate and flush his skin and redirect the blood stream, but that doesn't really explain why he comes with a broken moan all over his hand as soon as there's Becker's voice on the other side of the door.

Becker calls his name, and asks where the hell is he, everyone's waiting for him, and Connor answers that he'll be there in a second, his voice raw and breathless. And while he tries to tidy himself up and get the red out of his face, Becker stumps out of the room, muttering under his breath that he starts to feel like a bloody babysitter. Connor rushes out of the room and has to walk around in sticky pants for the rest of the day.  
Those are the worst days. (And the best.)

\---

Maybe Becker isn't even from this world, Connor muses, chin propped on his hand, watching Becker jog around the ARC carrying stuff that looks important and heavy. He could have come through an anomaly, stumbling from a better future they're trying to create right now. They will have mastered genetic engineering and developed the perfect, indestructible, superhuman soldier. With exceptionally good looks, Connor adds as an afterthought. Maybe he was sent here to save the future. Or to point and laugh at them. Connor lets out a sigh and reminds himself to re-watch Terminator and Star Wars, just in case. He doesn't want to be the one missing the signs.

Connor watches Becker on his way back, carrying a new set of boxes, and Connor thinks maybe he's wrong. Usually, he isn't one to believe in such things, but if there were something like immortal sons of Gods, sent down to earth to fight wars for justice and glory, then they would look a lot like Becker. He's seen him change his clothes in the locker room. There's nothing un-glorious, un-immortal-son-of-Gods about him. And then he thinks, Connor, what the hell are you thinking, and buries his head in his arms.

The thing is, Connor isn't as stupid as one might think (or as he thinks most of the time). He knows what this is. He just doesn't want it. Not now. Not again. And especially, not him. Not Becker, for God's sake. This is totally ridiculous. Connor knows that, every time he looks at him. Becker's just. No. Connor really, really doesn't think this is good at all.

Suddenly, Connor notices Abby staring at him. He has to follow her gaze down to see himself tapping away rapidly with his pen. He stops immediately and tries to slide down in the chair, but sadly enough, there's nowhere to hide. He doesn't even have to look around to know that Becker is standing behind him, raising one eyebrow. And that's not panic that's boiling up in his chest (except it totally is).

\---

Connor tries to be careful. Connor tries to hide it. Basically, Connor tries to become invisible, but that's never worked for him. One raised eyebrow, the slightly amused curve on the corner of his lips and a very disparaging tone seem to follow him wherever he goes.

Connor explains it with the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, because Becker is everywhere at once, but he's always gone when Connor tries to look at him. He knows that the principle should only apply to particles, but maybe everyone's wrong on this. It makes him nervous. All he really wants is to stop Becker once, pin him down, know where he is and what he's doing, but he's always out of reach, leaving disturbances in space-time in his wake. Connor is left struggling with the Planck constant and standard deviations and his own restlessness.

\---

Everyone knows that Connor being nervous isn't good at all. Accidents happen. Connor wouldn't want to go into details here, but it may have involved a mammoth and a marginal malfunction in the system he's only partially responsible for, but for some reason everyone was looking at him. And that's when he decided to call it a day and go home early, which is, in this case, in the middle of the night. He passes the armoury on his way out, and there's light and voices.

He peeks around the corner. He sees Becker, and he's smiling. Connor moves an inch to get the rest of the scenery. There are maybe a dozen of Becker's men, everyone with a bottle of beer in their hand, and the sound of laughing echoes from the bare concrete. It's Friday night, Connor suddenly realises, and these men would probably prefer being in a pub right now.

He's never seen Becker look so relaxed. He's wearing jeans and a shirt, and he's sitting on the floor, just like that. He's obviously saying something funny right now, because he's drowned in the laughter of his men, and it hurts. It hurts deep down in Connor's chest and he really wants to leave, right now, but he also wants to bask himself in the sight of how Becker could be, could be with him if he just were someone like them.

Connor stays a while. He's silent, and he could easily duck behind some racks if someone looked in his direction, but they never do. He knows this is private, and he shouldn't see it, because he's business, the job they've been hired to do. When he finally manages to leave, he feels like he's leaving something forever.

\---

Connor explains it with all the time-travelling. It must have messed with his head. Because, as he tries to tell Becker on their ride home from an exceptionally boring anomaly, time-travelling isn't as simple as it seems. According to Feynman, time-travel is actually a loop formed by a particle moving along a time stream and its respective anti-particle moving backwards along said time stream. Time-travel involves worm holes, which are, according to Hawking, actually curvatures in space itself. And it can change things, let things happen just the way they are supposed to happen or create paradoxes, just depending on which Star Trek episode you consider. And although Connor is pretty sure he's by far the smartest guy in this car, he feels very stupid.

Connor really tries to come up with an explanation for what follows. He really tries. The only thing he can think of is that none of this is real. That this is the part to make everything complex, the imaginary bit, a little, tiny i after the whole term to release it from reality. Because there is just no way this is actually happening.

It's when they're back in the ARC that Becker is suddenly there, very much there, all locked and settled in time and space, and Connor swallows. It should be simple. Basic physics. Two bodies in a three-dimensional room. And then Becker is pulling off his shirt and nothing is simple or basic any more. There's Becker's voice, God, Connor thinks, his voice, asking him if he'd like to take his shirt off too, and maybe those trousers, and Connor says, all hoarse and strange, yeah. Yeah, he'd like that.

He fumbles with his belt until it gets slightly embarrassing, and then calm, cool fingers curl around his and suddenly, his trousers are somewhere around his ankles. Oh, Connor thinks. And then, oh, when Becker gets down on his knees. As if it were that simple. Connor swallows, his throat closing down, and he wants nothing more in this world than this.

It's strange and far too much to bear. He can feel himself shaking all over, and he steadies himself against the wall, hands pressed flat against the surface in need of something to hold on to. It feels good. It feels like being in the right place at the right time for once. He wants it never to end, but it's just impossible, and then Becker makes a low noise at the back of his throat, and it sounds as if, just maybe, this is the right place and time for him too, and Connor comes. Just like that.

Becker is still around to watch him clean up, get back into his clothes, and in the end it's Connor who leaves. Who would've thought, he thinks, and then, as soon as he's back at home, he collapses against the wall and sits there for hours, unable to move.

He thinks that maybe, this is how it should feel.

Connor imagines Becker returning to the home he's never seen but imagines to be functional and still somewhat cool, wandering around aimlessly, switching on the television but never really looking, at the end falling asleep on the sofa with his clothes still on. Just to try it out, he imagines him taking a shower and suddenly starting to sob, overwhelmed by his feelings, but that's just ridiculous, and he tosses the idea aside with a snort.

Maybe, he thinks, Becker goes out with his guys to laugh everything away, until he has one drink too many in his attempt to swallow and drown everything, and maybe he'll start to stare into the distance, shaking off all of his friends' questions. But then, Connor thinks, probably not.

\---

Connor explains it with parallel universes. He thinks that everything that's possible is actually happening, somewhere, creating an infinite number of alternatives. It's just coincidence he's ended up here. He likes to imagine there is one version in which Becker smiles at him, invites him over and looks at him like he's trying to figure him out. But, as Connor remembers correctly, it's about what's _possible_ and not what he's dreaming of.

But it's not over there yet. There's another story to tell, and it starts with Becker freaking out and shouting. Or rather, it starts with Connor nearly getting hurt, or even earlier with Becker actually getting hurt. No, Connor is pretty sure it starts with an anomaly.

\---

Connor explains it with Murphy's law. It's really the only way to understand why, of all things that could possibly go wrong, it ends with the whole team being on the wrong side of an anomaly, and the anomaly locked. One tiny screw, Connor keeps repeating to everyone who's snapping at him. There was just one tiny screw loose, nobody would have noticed. And how was he to know that it would be exactly the screw holding the controlling unit in place, and it really wasn't his fault the unit was sucked into the anomaly.

Maybe he shouldn't have jumped after it. He knows the rules. Basically. So he's really sorry about that. But he thought he'd just go through, get the thing and come back. He didn't ask anyone to follow him, and he certainly didn't ask the device to lock the anomaly behind them on its own before finally breaking down.

And then Abby says that this shouldn't be a problem, because they have a few of those devices in reserve, haven't they? And the guys should be back with a new one in no time, right? And Connor doesn't really want to tell her that, well, normally yes, but at this exact time, well, no.

And then Abby glares at him and he tells her anyway, and suddenly everyone starts to shout and Becker disappears. Connor tries to tell them it's really nobody's fault that some of them are in routine check-up and the others are broken, and they'll probably sort it out in no time, or fix them, or build a new one, and all the plans are right on his laptop, but nobody really listens to him.

Danny raises his hands and tells everyone to shut up and calm down. Connor finds that sort of difficult. A few days, at most, he repeats, and he really wants to tell everyone not to worry, okay, because they'll all be fine, but there's a cracking sound right behind him and everything happens at the same time.

Becker staggers from between the trees, clutching his side, and there's something going on that Connor's mind actually refuses to compute, and then everyone is running away. It's one of those moments Connor just _knows_ he'll do something stupid, but he can't stop it, because there's blood. There's blood trickling between Becker's hands. This is all he can think of, because it's just not possible, not Becker, he's invulnerable, he's perfect, and oh my God, what should he _do_ , this is not happening, and there might be someone shouting his name, and he's pretty sure there's deafening roar just behind him.

He watches himself turn around in slow motion, eyes widening, and he looks right into a giant mouth, and he thinks it's really a pity he'll never know from what type of dinosaur he'll get eaten. Suddenly, there's a sharp pain at his shoulder, and he finds himself on the ground, dirt in his mouth, and the dinosaur falling next to him with an incredibly loud thud, a smoking hole in its side.

Oh, he thinks. Oh. And then he gets pulled to his feet, and there's Becker in front of him, still bleeding, oh _God_ , he's really bleeding, but Becker shakes him, shakes him until he looks away from all the blood and up into eyes that fix him and hold him. He wants to say something, but Becker is still shaking him, shouting at him, what was he _doing_? Why was he just standing there? He could've been _killed_.

Connor closes his eyes. He's sure Becker is about to punch him, hard, and he's sure he's deserved it. But the blow never comes, and when he opens his eyes, everyone is packing up and the anomaly is open again.

Everything turns out fine in the end. There was still one functioning device at the ARC, and they could reopen the anomaly within a few hours. Becker was stitched up and reported back for duty next morning. No one cared to mention what happened, or nearly happened, or didn't happen, and maybe, Connor thinks, there's nothing to talk about.

Connor explains it with J-coupling. It's the effect of two spins being connected to each other by a magnetic field. If one spin is up, the other is down. If one spin changes, so does the other. It's that simple. He doesn't understand why it's happening, or why of all people it's Becker he seems connected to, but the explanation is as good as any. Which means it actually doesn't explain any of it. It doesn't explain why Becker refuses to look at him the next day, and it doesn't explain why life goes on and everything is still the same. Most of all, it doesn't explain why it hurts so much and still feels so good.

Maybe, Connor thinks, Becker cannot be explained.


End file.
